The Adjusted Life

We just wrapped up our twins first year at school. We knew from the drop that it would be a tricky transition but even I didn’t anticipate how much of a challenge the transition would be. We went into the year knowing that our boys would have reduced hours to get them settled but by years end, our sons still hadn’t had a full day of school.

It is always important to us to treat our twins as individuals. They may be identical, but they are completely different little people with different strengths and challenges. We decided that separate classes would be best way to support this and they are often more successful when separated.

Early on, Leo seemed to fit into schooling more seamlessly. He is a very smart little boy who prides himself on his knowledge of all sorts of things – particularly planets, rocks and other natural sciences. He enjoys being recognised for his helpfulness and listening. To me Leo’s autistic traits dominate whereas Max is your typical ADHD kid – boisterous, busy and has a wonderful sense of humour. He is also very clever, but his internal motor never stops running making the classroom seem boring and restrictive to him. Max also struggles with a hair trigger flight or fight response which is credited to his medical trauma.

Separately they can find their place in the classroom, supported by wonderful SSO’s but together, they become a fusion of all their best and worst qualities. Their connection and bond is undeniable and it’s hard as their Mum to split them knowing how much they get comfort from each other.

Treating their individual needs meant that all year I had to do three individual pick ups for my kids. Max only attended school for 2.5 hours for most of the year, Leo for 4.5 hours and Emily had the normal pick-up time. School days were impossible for me to really achieve anything especially as calls to collect for dysregulated behaviour were still a frequent occurrence.

Parenting kids with ADHD and ASD is hard. It’s a roller coaster of uncertainty and a feeling of constantly being on tenterhooks.  My stress and anxiety levels are always up – for the unknown, the management of feelings, the pre-empting of potential triggers and meltdowns that last hours. Unless you’re living it yourself, it’s a hard experience to explain.

But parenting twins with support needs is something that at times feels impossible. Childcare struggled, preschool struggled and school have struggled. Separately, they manage but when they are together, they heighten each other and make each other brave – but right now that often means unsafe.

I struggle. When they are regulated and happy it’s a bond and love that is incomparable. But when they are struggling, dysregulated and emotional it can feel impossible to manage. They want just me – all to themselves. It’s a constant balancing act of keeping them regulated and when you’re the co-regulator it’s beyond draining.

Having twins was an absolute blessing and I still pinch myself when I see their beautiful bond. But I feel we are in uncharted territory – not that we are the only people in the world with ADHD/ASD identical twins, but we are certainly a new occurrence to the wonderful, experienced educators and support providers we are engaged with.

When I look at my sons I see two individuals. To me they rarely look identical. Their voices sound different, their personalities are different, but their bond is inexplicable and a constant reminder of their unbreakable connection. I am still learning how to best support them, and it constantly changes.

The symbiotic relationship they have is significant to who they are and how they regulate. It’s also incredibly important to see them as the individuals they are. It’s a balancing act that needs to recognised by everyone who plays a role in supporting them and loving them.